Anytime someone ends up in the desert, we wonder how we got there.  I think we often miss the road signs on the way to the desert.   Like I wrote earlier – I don’t think that the path to the desert is well marked.   We just wake up one day and find ourselves there.  I’d like to think that I’ve learned something about why it happens that way.  Here is what I think:

I think most of us have some sense down inside of a need for “normal”.  I remember having two best friends in third grade.  One was an only child and his parents were teachers – very quiet people.   When you went to their house – everything was always in order.  It was quiet.  There were no messes anywhere.   My other best friend was somewhere in the middle of eight kids.  His house was always messy and it was always noisy.  Comparing the two homes – one was tranquility base and one was animal house.  To each of them – it seemed normal.  My house was somewhere in between.  Four kids.  Fairly orderly.  Not always very quiet.  There were days that the three of us would hang out and for one reason or another – we would end up being at all three homes.  Then you could see the differences much more clearly.  My quiet friend thought the noisy friend’s home was chaos.   The noisy friend’s home was spooky and lifeless.  We all have different understandings of what is “normal”. 

You’ve seen this before.  In one home there is no alcohol use and no one ever drinks.  In the next home, alcohol is a part of everyday life.  People drink and drunkenness is not uncommon.  And both homes can often seem somewhat normal to those who live there.  Normal is partly defined based on what we are normally used to.  If it is always quiet – loud voices seem to upset us.  If money is always plentiful – a financially lean stretch can cause shivers.  Normal is different from place to place.   Often times, people who are heading toward a desert don’t see it very well - because their sense of normal has shifted. 

It’s sort of like the Frog in the Kettle.   The story goes that if you toss a frog into a kettle of boiling water, he will jump out.  But if you put the frog into a kettle of room temperature water and turn up the heat slowly and gradually – the frog’s body temperature will adjust over time – and eventually be boiled to death!  We tend to adjust to changing circumstances.  We develop a new sense of normal. 

I think part of the reason is that we all want to think we are normal.  And so when things begin to shift, we all sense the shift at some level.   But in order to maintain equilibrium in our heads, we adjust what is normal.  This happens in every arena of life.  When someone points out something in our life that seems a bit off-kilter – we are threatened.  Oh no, it’s always been like that or It’s been like that for a long time is the response that comes back.  We say that because we think things are normal.  Or rather – we need to think that things are normal.  So we adjust normal.  Let me share some real life examples. 

A couple comes in the pastor’s office and wants to discuss marital problems.  I ask a few questions about what is going on – and soon develop some sense of what is happening.  It is not uncommon for me to hear that he has been stopping with co-workers on the way home from work to have a few drinks for months.   At first it was just once every other week, but the frequency increased.   Pretty soon it is three or four days a week – but somehow they have shifted “normal” – so that is OK.  I am often saddened to hear that a couple has seen their intimate life all but disappear. They haven’t been together in six months.  They just assume that is normal.  Pretty soon an affair starts or he moves to the guest room and they continue to live together.  If someone probes – they may acknowledge they are going through a rough spot.  But no one is sounding any alarm bells.  Soon they are in the desert.   And they will claim they did not see it coming.  Why can’t we see the warning signs? 

In response to a deep seated need to feel normal – we adjust.   We adjust our sense of normal.  We move farther to the extremes.  And one day without warning - we wake up in the desert. 

I want to argue that there were plenty of warning signs – but we ignored them.   In our need for normal – we adjusted the parameters until something was out of whack – but we failed to notice.  I want to suggest some ways to open our eyes better.  To gain better perspective. 

We need to ask ourselves some questions.  How did it used to be?   Has it always been this way – or have things shifted?   Did my son used to listen to me better than this?  Was the credit card balance always this high?  Did I used to take this many anti-acid pills or sleeping pills to get by?  How often did I used to call my mom?  Do I usually score so low on this many tests?  Was I always missing deadlines like this?   We have to do some honest self assessment.  

We need to ask those close to us some questions.  I remember attending a Promise Keeper’s event years ago and one of the speakers was talking about our calling as dads.  He raised some good challenges for me – but the one that really hit home was this:   He suggested we go home and ask our kids – if there were no penalty for anything you say – what three things would you change about our relationship if you could change it by snapping your fingers?   My daughter was about 13 years old and at first, she seemed to think this was some sort of trick.   But when I convinced her the offer was legit – she was ready.  “I hate when you lecture me.”   “Why do you hate the lecture?” I replied.  She jumped back, “You are not telling me anything I don’t already know.”   I had always made the assumption that if I said pick up your room – and the room was not picked up – then the problem was that she had not heard me.  So it was my job as dad, to sit down and repeat the lecture about room cleaning.  She laughed.   She said she knew the lecture about room cleaning.   She went on to say that she knew most of my lecture topics. 

It was a turning point in our relationship.  I told her that if she ever found me lecturing her about anything and she knew the lecture – then she could stop me – and if indeed, she could tell me the main points of the lecture I was delivering – it would stop.   She could do it!   Every lecture.  Seldom missed a point.  I had moved to a place where “normal” had been redefined as lecturing my teenage daughter.  She was exasperated – but had redefined her “normal” as well.  Dad’s lecture their daughters.  We both hated the pattern of lectures – but had accepted it as normal.  When I asked her about it and I gave her some control to end the lectures – very cool stuff began to happen in our life together.   I lectured less.  She gained more control of the relationship.  Then something really cool started to happen – she started cleaning her room.  The dirty room was a rebellion against the lectures.  When the lectures stopped – the room got cleaner.   All because I asked her what she’d like to change. 

We may need to ask an ‘outsider’ some questions.  This can be a pastor.  Or Christian counselor.  Or ask a close Christian Friend.  Don’t go and ask someone who is already on “your side”.  This is not about recruiting allies to assist you in some squabble with someone in your family.  We’re talking about asking someone far enough outside the situation that they can give you a neutral assessment of what is normal.  Part of the reason God gave us the gift of the local church was so we would have people who walk with us along the journey.  Go to someone you trust.  Explain a given situation and ask their opinion.  What do you think?   Be open to their opinion. 

Listen to comments from others.  Either comments in general or comments directed at you.  Sometimes we hear uninvited comments.  We may have a tendency to dismiss those comments, they were not invited – so they are not welcome.  But it may be that when someone pokes their nose in your business – it is someone bringing you a message you need to hear.  Every once in a while I will see parent who appears out of control when disciplining their child in public.  The swat on the fanny seems a bit harsh - or the lecture seems too stern – or the arm is yanked too hard.   I poke my nose in.  It is seldom welcomed.  I don’t care.  I want to speak truth in the situation.

A couple of years ago I watched a very bratty girl about ten years old, mouth off to her mother.  I actually could hear them before I could see them. The mother had said no to something - and the girl was in active rebellion. Her words and her tone were dreadful.  I turned the corner in the store just in time to see the mother slap the girl - hard on her cheek – and I saw the girl crumple in tears.   You could tell that “normal” had moved a long way for this family.  I walked up and looked at the mother straight in the eyes and said, “I am so sorry that your daughter spoke to you in such a disrespectful way – but I have to be honest and tell you that I can’t see how you slapping her like that helped the situation.”  See was stunned and told me to mind my own business and I walked away.  I am sure that some of you are appalled I would poke my nose in. But I am hoping she went home and did some thinking. 

When you hear something – especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable – try to listen.  I recently heard someone say that when someone confronts you – don’t explain, don’t justify, don’t defend.   Just listen.  It is hard to do but I think we owe it to ourselves to ask if it is something we needed to hear. 

Listen to God.  It may be that if you are concerned about something, you can ask God.  If you think you might be drinking too much – ask God.   And then listen.   If you think a relationship is out of balance – ask God.  Prayer is a powerful tool.  Talk to God and listen to him.  If you think you might be working too much - or if a friendship outside of marriage is inappropriate - ask him to show you.  There is a wonderful verse in one of the Psalms that says:  Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.   (Psalms 139:23-24)  Isn’t that a great prayer?   Look deep into my heart, Father – and show me if something is not right.  If I am anxious and worried about something – help me to see what is wrong.  And if I can’t see anything – open my eyes if there is something I am missing. 

Whether it is your own heart, or a loved one, or a book, or a stranger, or a prayer – pay attention to what you might be missing.   Road signs abound.  If you think something might be off – ask God.